Credo: This I Believe

This is a rewrite of “An Angel’s Lesson”. It was assigned as a English project. I hope you enjoy it!

I believe in living a life where God comes first. Putting my belief in a figure of faith sounds insane, but this is what I believe. I believe that Jesus came down to die for our sins. I believe that God knew me even before I was formed in my mother’s womb. I believe that God has a purpose for my life.

When I look at the world today, I see conflicts, materialism and debauchery. I feel like there is a lack of substance around us, that sincerity and meaning have been blown away like chaf in the wind. My words are filled with cynism, because I have lost my faith in humanity. Humanity is a beautiful thing, but eventually when humanity betrays you, you start looking elsewere. You start looking for the piece in your heart that can never seemed to be filled with the pleasures of the world. It feels like an uncomfortably hollow stomach. It feels like unquenchable thirst.

I have experienced this emptiness myself. Who betrayed me, you might ask. The person I know best, and the person I’ve grown up with. Myself. Out of my own selfish desire, I discovered a drug that I thought could quench my thirst. This drug made me feel good. I used it to secure my insecurity, and to gratify my self-esteem. After each dose, I would an imense guilt. It was painful, as I degraded my body to this drug, as it became a tool for my own pleasure. I felt shameful; this was something that I hid away in the privacy of my room, and in the darkness of the night. After indulging in this drug, I would lay in my blanket, begging God to take it away from me. I would feel like hurting myself, so I could never do this again. This is why I call my self an addict. I got to the point where I did not want to continue, but I could not stop. The more I indulged in myself, the more I grew distant away from God. I needed the security that this drug gave me, and I needed the pleasure. I became less and less sincere to other people. I was my God, I was my king. This had to stop.

Unfortunately, someone had to die in order for me to understand and have a chance at stopping. My life lesson was at a funeral, from a last lecture of a life professor. I did not know the teacher who was lecturing. I only knew her husband, because we were involved in a project of constructing two small huts for AIDs victims in a Cambodian Village. He was very humorous, because while working, he wore his motorcycle hat and always insisted “safety first!”. I soon learned about the person, whom I was saying my last goodbyes to. Her name was Adayt, and she was born into human trafficking. She grew up hungry, and poor. She was diagnosed with cancer at twenty five, and died a year later.

Admist the mourning cries in the background and the smiling, decorated corpse, I remember seeing their one year old girl look towards people for toys, not knowing that she had just lost her mother, and would never see her again. I gave her my mobile phone to play. I looked at her, I looked at the corpse, thats when I started to cry. I realized that the people in the funeral still had their lives, while Adayt could rest. I remember the cries next to me, as her coffin was closed, and she was pushed into the crematory, and how the cries intensified as the crematory door closed on her. I understood now that she had finished the race. She died faithfully to Christ, and with her life example I realized that my love for God needed to change. She lived and died for God. Dying was what I set out to do, but living for God was a different matter.

I did not know this woman, but by the end of the funeral I was dried eyed. Adayt told me, without speaking, and without rebuking, that God had to come first. Adayt lived through hell to find God, and even though she was born into hurt from the day she was born, she was still humble enough to accept that she hurt others, and that she needed God. My love of God had to surpass the love of myself. It had to be so deep that the rules, the confessions, and the religion did not matter. My relationship with God was to become my not just my life, but my existence. She reminded me, that in my own selfishness, God was still waiting, looking over the horizon for his prodical son.

Its been 4 months since I’ve had my last fix, and I have never been more happy in my life. I hope to stay off the drug, and I am confident that God will heal me. Life will still have its challenges, and I will always be locked in the battle against myself. When I am afraid, and I feel like I cannot make another day, I will remember Adayt’s smile in her coffin, and my new life that was created by death. This I believe.